And the Gears Keep Turning
by Supergirl 55
Summary: Xander thinks about some things while watching Anya put up curtains


TITLE: And the Gears Keep Turning  
AUTHOR: Supergirl  
  
TIMELINE: Immediately after "The Replacement"  
SPOILERS: Everything up to and through that episode, though there are no major spoilers of any kind  
  
SUMMARY: Xander thinks about some things while watching Anya put up curtains  
PAIRING: X/An, X/B angst, some mentions of B/R and B/A  
  
DISCLAIMER: If I could, I'd keep Buffy and Spike tied up in my.... wait, this story really isn't about Buffy and Spike, is it? Well the point is nothing's mine. Please Don't sue.  
DEDICATION: To Riley Finn and all who loved him. Just because I basically hate the guy doesn't mean I don't feel bad for him.  
  
FEEDBACK: No, I don't want any... I'm kidding, come back!!! *chases after them*  
DISTRIBUTION: You can have it for $50... or you could just try asking politely.  
  
  
  
  
Anya, he thinks, is a lot like Riley. The way she loves him: unconditionally. That's the same way that Riley loves Buffy.   
  
He sits and watches her. She's putting up curtains. He offers to help. She says not to -- he'll mess it up. She's strange that way: sometimes she'll get mad if he asks her to do any work at all, other times it upsets her when he offers to help with the work she's already doing.   
  
But right now she isn't mad. She demonstrates that by coming over and kissing him briefly. The kiss is very short and very chaste, but it's laced with promise of more to come once she's done with her work.   
  
***   
  
She likes it -- physical intimacy. Emotional intimacy isn't really her forte. She wants it, because every woman is supposed to want it. But still, she hasn't completely mastered the art of feeling.   
  
She does love him however. Of that he is certain. Love undoubted. Unchanging. Love not like his for her.   
  
He feels guilty. He wants to love her as much as she loves him, but he doesn't know that he can. He doesn't know if he'll ever be able to love her completely. There's a part of his heart that still isn't hers, that may never be hers. A part that still longs, and always will, for the love of another. Another whom he shall never have.   
  
"Sometimes I envy you," the former soldier had said to him the other day. That must be life's cruel joke. Here is the most perfect girl in all the world, the girl that he, himself, has dreamed about for years, and Riley's the one who gets to be with her. Yet he tells him that he's jealous of him and Anya?   
  
Riley said it was for the sanity that he envied him, and after considering that, Xander is starting to understand. Unlike the blond boy's turbulent relationship with the Slayer, his and Anya's life together is structured. It's organized. It's set up exactly the way a relationship should be. Like following an outline. Simple.   
  
He needs that. Things shouldn't be complicated. Everything should be easy. Like it is with her. That gives him comfort. That's what he needs. Comfort. And structure. Structure is definitely of the good.   
  
_She's_ good for him. She's perfect for him. Sure, she can be strange. Sometimes not so easy to deal with. Often tactless. Insensitive. His friends don't all quite get her. They don't always understand why he wants to be with someone like her. No matter.   
  
He likes her, that's what's important. No, wait, he loves her. And he can stand the imperfections.   
  
She doesn't always understand things. She doesn't always know how to act. She can be very greedy, astonishingly self-centered. All that is ok. And it's not like she doesn't try. And it's not like she doesn't have many good qualities too.   
  
She's caring. Passionate. Fun.   
  
She doesn't just like sex, she likes sex with him. A lot. That makes him feel manly. And she relies on him for things, that makes him feel dependable and strong. She goes to him with her questions, that makes him feel smart.   
  
She makes him feel good about himself. She makes him feel like he truly deserves her adoration. It's a nice feeling. He likes it.   
  
***   
  
She doesn't quite get how the world works. He often has to explain it to her. He doesn't quite get it either.   
  
He doesn't hate Riley. He actually likes him, as a matter of fact. He doesn't know the boy well, but he likes him. He hates Angel.   
  
Still.   
  
Always.   
  
Forever.   
  
Angel took Buffy's innocence. "I bet it just tears you up inside to know I got there first," he remembers him saying some years ago. Or was that Angelus who said it? It doesn't matter. That's not the real reason.   
  
Angel has Buffy's virginity, Xander doesn't care. He has Buffy's heart. That's why he hates him. She loved him and then he left. Yet she loves him still. She'll always love him. The vampire, he may someday move on. The Slayer never will. It's like he broke her.   
  
That b******.   
  
He knows, deep inside, that even if Angel hadn't been in the picture, Buffy would still never be his. She wasn't meant to be his. She wasn't meant to be Angel's either. Even she knows she wasn't meant to be Riley's. The way Riley looks at her sometimes tells him the boy knows it too.   
  
So who is it, then, that she was meant to be with? He thinks about it and he doesn't know. It shouldn't be his concern. He can't help it. He can't help feeling her pain. He can't help identifying it with his own, even though their heartaches are completely different. He hurts because he can't have what he wants. She hurts because she doesn't know what she wants.   
  
He feels bad for Buffy. He feels bad for Riley. The Slayer doesn't love the former soldier. He can tell she wants to. She tries. But she doesn't love him.   
  
For him and Anya it's different. He does love her. Maybe he's not _in_ love with her. He realizes that phrase is a cliche.   
  
He knows he'll always be in love with Buffy. It's ok. He can pretend that he's not. He has someone else. He can make himself forget. He just has to keep moving. Never stop. Never think about what he can't have. If he drowns himself in the shallow depths of his lover's brown eyes, he hopes he can forget the penetrating hazel gaze of the one he truly wants. He hopes she can help him not to think about the other girl. It even works sometimes. Sometimes she really does make him forget.   
  
***   
  
She's finally finished. He smiles and stands up as she climbs down from the stepladder, walks over and puts her arms around him. He tells her he likes what she's done. The curtains look perfect. She smiles back and says thank you. She tells him he's sweet. He kisses her. They break the kiss after a minute, and he takes her hand and leads her to the bedroom. Now comes the part they both enjoy most of all.   
  
Someday he'll marry this girl. They'll have two-point-five kids and a big shaggy dog. Maybe a cat too. Gray with black stripes. He thinks he'll name it Whiskers.   
  
He's not ready, not yet, but someday he will be. He knows that's what he wants. That's how things are always meant to turn out. That's what he's supposed to want. He wants to play the Game of Life by its rules. Wife, kids, good career: that means you're winning. He wants to be a grownup. He wants to be responsible and mature. He wants to be what he's supposed to be.   
  
He wants a woman that he loves, even if he can never have the one he loves most. He wants a woman who'll love him back.   
  
Some day they'll get married. Today they're moving in. It's only natural for them to be doing this now. He knows this is the next step. And he always takes the next step. Often reluctant at first, but he always takes it. He has to. You always have to take the next step. "You've got to keep moving forward."   
  
  
_~END~_   
  
  
  
  
if u like this story, please go read my other fic! i promise it's not all as depressing as this 


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